FistShark Marketing Transcribing Project/Episode 8

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(00:00) Val's Nudes[edit]

You know, I know everyone is sick and tired of talking about him, but he is ine of our valued clients, and I do feel like I have to bring up yet again another issue with our dear friend Val Kilmer, the man who was the Bat.

Oh, Jesus.

Wonderful. What is- What is the issue du jour?

Well, it's less shouty and violent this time, so there's progress. And I don't know what's been spurring him on to doing this, but he is taken to, uh, wondering around the town center leaving the big brown a, uh, envelope in public places, be it sort of a restaurant, like an outside of Fresca Restaurant table, or on a park bench, or just on the floor... Scrolled down the- the envelope is Val's nuuudes, and he's been just sort of dropping it in- very obviously dropping it on the floor and then just shouting really loudly, "Boy, I sure hope no one takes these nude photographs of Val Kilmer, the man who was the Batman, and also maybe some on the Internet for a minu-te!" And he gets very upset by the fact that nobody to date has picked them up, and nobody to date has actually, uh, been even tempted to so much as glance at the envelope, let alone open up and look in there. And he sorts of stands there for about two or three hours, uh, before scooping the envelope back up and dropping it again in the same place! At that point he's so annoyed- I don't know if you ever seen Val at the top of his angst, but words don't come out. Like, you can tell he's trying to speak, but he just makes this sort of..."eeeuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh" noise, the "euuuuuuuuuhhhh", with, like, one arm out stretched, like, in a pleading fashion, almost like Oliver Twist asking for more. He'll make eye contact with people who still pass, and he goes "eeuuuuuuuuhhhhhh..."

Jim- Jim, yeah...

...uuuuUUUUUUUUUuuhhhhhhhh...

I- Look, I am too damn hungover for this shit. Just- Can we- Can we just get Craig...the raccoon to set up, like, a website where- like a- like a portal, and, like, put the pictures on it and be, like, "You did it! You did it, pal, good job! It's there!"

Well, you know, I've considered it. I've considered putting the nudes up, uh, just to satisfy him, just to saciate him and try him stop, but, um... But I- well, I don't know if I should- No, I- I- I shouldn't say.

What?

I- I- I've seen the nudes, I- I...

What's going on?

I shouldn't... Suffice to say, it would be detremental to his carreer if we put them on.

Well...

I feel uncomfortable saing anything else.

Jim...

Wait wait wait- First of all, how? I mean, how could it- I mean, really-

No no- Don't push me on this.

It would be the most exposure he's had in...decades!

Yeah, if by carreer you mean mall Santa Claus...

He's blacked up in them!

...Wait. He's-

He's what?

The one-eyed warriors wearing black face?

All of it! Like, it's... I don't even know how he's managed to do it with- with just body paint and his own naaked body, but they are literally the most racist nudes I've ever seen.

Okay, so- I mean, but it's... Is he just posing... What's the- the context of these, I mean- Okay, yes, I realize black face is pretty fucking bad, but that could just be tacky, as opposed to outright pattently offensive.

Well, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, because it does almost look like he tried to make himself look like Batman.

Oh! Oh! Oh, oh, okay, so this was just like a happy accident, he was covering himself...

I dunno if I would call this a happy accident.

...extensively with maybe a- a black pody paint, but it wound up being more of a brown tone or something.

That's what I wanted to think. He's also got in some of the photos, there is a jar of strawberry preserves, which, um, he appears to have slathered on his chest and tried to sort of mold into a bat symbol, um... But, obviously, it being jelly preserves and his flesh being, uhh, for one of the better word, uhmm...blessed with condors(?), it didn't really come out very well. And then he, you can see, he's gotten hungrier and hungrier, as the, um, photos went on, he's just started scooping up the- the preserves and just eating them, there's a few shots of him, like, sat on the ground with his legs splayed out, like a toddler would sit, with the jar inbetween his legs, and he's just scooping a hand, like Winnie the Pooh, eating the jelly preserves, and it just makes... It doesn't make the imagery any more tasteful.

What poor soul did he get to take these pictures?

I would not like to have it as guess, but the week they were supposedly being done, uh, Brendan Fraiser did come in with a camera and said he is not available for work this week. And that's, obviously, that's the first time he said he's not available for work since 2009, so I, um, willing to bet that they both colluded on this. I- I phoned Brendan up and asked him about what work he's been doing, and he just... That's all I asked, I didn't mention anything else, and he just screamed back down the phone, "It's not racist!" So, again, alrm bell is ringing in my head.

That is a bit suspect. Um, okay.

Either way, like, regardless of context, regardless of what- what's Val is going for, we can't put them up. It's a good thing people are very disinterested in opening the envelope when he's around town, because I don't think anybody should see them. Um, I mean, even if- even if they weren't racially charged...

What if we just show him photos of the David Hasselhoff's san- you know, hamburger incident and say, "Look, the Internet's photoshopping you, you've gone viral"?

So many preserves... Sorry?.. Sorry, sorry, I- I... I've been getting these weird waking dreams, uh, for the past few days, uhh... That- That could work, that could work, uh, I've been also thinking we could, um, take some stills from the Majin Boo's saga of Dragonball Z and tell him that- that- that they are the photographs of the nudes, uhh... There are many ways we could- we could work around this, like, you know, pop a brown filter over the Marshmallow Man or something... But I don't know, I mean, Val often seems like he's not aware of the world around him, but he's sharper than he looks, actually. He's sharper than he looks, he's smelled a ham sandwich I had three days after I ate it and he asked if I had any left, so he...is quick! He is a quick- Uh, but... (hurl) Sorry... Um, again, flashbacks and, again, things just- (barfs)

(07:34) Gulag[edit]

Alright, so the slovenian ministry of film has sent over, um... They sent something over for us to sell to the american television market. I'm not- I'm not- I think it's a reality program... There's no sound on this video, but it's just a lot of sort of distant, grainy, almost like CCTV footage of a, uh... I don't wanna call it a prison, cus I think that that gives it a little, uh, too much credibility, it's like a Gulag, really, like a, really, just... Everything that you imagine, sort of a dank corridors, and so they put all of these people in there, and then you get all of these scenes of- of...people getting tortured for information, I think, because they just-

There's no sound, yeah.

There's no sound, can't tell what's going on, but there's, you know, a little bit of punching and rough stuff going on, but... It would almost have to be reality television, because I can't imagine tring to shoot, like, a drama that way...

Yeah, well they've already got a drama, um, and throwing game, starring their local celebrity... Oh, what's his name... Kovan Spandence, uh, that was a House of Cards' politics man, and they've actually got one, um- Oh, what was it, Government Mandated Gulag Tattoo is The New Black, they've already got that covered, so I don't know, maybe this is another slovanian company trying to have their answer to that, but from the sounds of it, it almost soulnds like a found footage style film, rather than a TV show, I'm confused as to the actual point of what you're describing to me.

Well that's the thing, I'm not getting it either. I wanted to think, oh, maybe this is- Let's face it, most of this stuff is propagandist. I was thinking it was like cautionary, but there's so much of it, like, so much of it. We're talking thousands of hours of unedited footage, that, you know, like, you'd think they would gone for the effort to... to do something, but no, they want us to have it, find someone to repackage it and sell it as other content-

Have it raw.

Yeah.

So if we were to market this, we'd need a narrator, we'd need someone to talk over it. I'm thinking, possibly Chumlee from Pawn Stars, or someone in the now, someone in the momoent, Honey Boo Boo or someone.

Yeah, yeah. You want someone with a little bit of credibility, uh, a little bit of, you know, draw, audience draw.

Yeah, what's that, uh, that duck hunt show that everybody loves? Oh, Duck Dynasty, yeah, that one, that's a big hit.

Well, no, there's that, that guy's not allowed to be on that show anymore, right? We can always maybe get him.

Yeah! Yeah, I don't know why he, um, I don't know why he retired, but if we could get him, that would be awesome. So we get that fella from Duck Dynasty narrating, I'm thinking, maybe They Might Be Giants do the soundtrack...

Yeah, yeah, something that sort of-

We need something upbeat, I think, if it's gonna be-

Provide, uh, yeah, provide a juxtaposition.

Or Ratt!

We can get Ratt to do the whole score, you know, the whole backing score for the show.

We can get Ratt to do anything.

Yeah. I mean, Ratt has just an endless range of talent- People don't really- don't really know Ratt that as well that they think they do, you know?

I do! The basist, actually, is my local mechanic, so, and he says he keeps in touch with the other ones. So, we could probably get Ratt for, oohh, keyboard clatter let me just work out the fiscal projections for this quarter, uhhmmm... Five bucks and some honey mustard Pringles.

Right, well, okay, so we've got that covered. Um... Who will get to write the narration? Hmm We want someone with some gravitas, someone who, you know, really Who's- convey...

Who's the woman who wrote Juno? She may be a great fit for this. She's down to earth...

Uhh... Ellen Page!

She knows- She knows the struggles... Yeah! of the teenage life-

Ellen Page, she wrote the Juno, right? Yeah, so we get the writer from Juno Ellen Page, we get Ratt on soundtrack, Duck Dynasty man on narration - that's pretty good, I think maybe we should have, like, a closing host, I'm thinking possibly Dustin Diamond, we can film some- our own shots, like what they did with Power Rangers where they had some westernized live-action stuff, we can have Dustin Diamond, like, in the... Well we won't call it Gulag, we'll call it, uhh... The House of Hard Knocks. Uh, he can be in The House of Hard Knocks and talk to some of the prisoners, we can get some people to play prisoners, I'm thinking, you know, Dean Kain in various different weeks, umm... I think, we could probably salvage this. You say we've got just hundreds of hours of this stuff?

Thousands, really, it's-

Thousands.

Yeah, there's a whole... Yeah, we might need some- truck of it.

...some musical acts in here, I think.

Sort of- Bring on some bands, sort of, halfway through, to make it more of a variety show as well, so you can see people, like, making license plates or breaking rocks, and then, sort of, after 10-15 minutes of it bring on, like, you know, the latest single from The Damned or something.

Well, I hear that the kids are really into Godsmack lately.

Godsmack?

Yeah.

Hell yeah! There's nothing we can't do with this show. And then, as it grows, we can have, you know, bigger acts, we can have bigger people to come on, you know, some comedy talents, get Louis C.K. on to do a little gag about, you know, life in prison, you know, here's five ours of sad looking men and women eating gruel... And then up next it's Bastille with Pompeii!

(13:17) Miley Wants To Fly[edit]

(20:23) Dumpster Full of Spines[edit]

Ending[edit]

FistShark Marketing is Jim Sterling, Conrad Zimmerman and "Caitlyn CCCstyle.png". Theme music by Ben Rama. Segue music by Alizar Chand. Our Editor is Nick Malone. More episodes are available at fistshark.com. Follow us on twitter @FistShark for more of our exploits, and if you like us give us a rating or review on iTunes. Complaints can be forwarded via email to FistSharkMarketing@aol.com. And remember: Never let them see you sweat. It's kind of gross. Goodbye.

References[edit]

Link to FistShark Marketing Transcribing Project/Episode 8's mp3 release

Link to FistShark Marketing Transcribing Project/Episode 8's Youtube release

Transcription Credit[edit]

FistShark Marketing Transcribing Project/Episode 8's transcription credits
Section 1 of this transcription is credited to Remusyurov!
Section 2 of this transcription is credited to Remusyurov!
Section 3 is uncredited or unfinished.
Section 4 is uncredited or unfinished.
Section 5 of this transcription is credited to Agent!
As well as the main transcribers, we would also like to thank
all those who have edited this page for their contributions!